i quit my job.

almost two weeks ago, i quit my job.

from a practical sense, the decision made no sense. i am getting married in less than four months, we are in the process of looking for and buying a new home and we want to travel.  why quit my job right now, at this very minute. to be honest, i don’t quite understand my decision except that i felt like it was the right thing to do.

as i’ve finished up my last week in the office, i’ve gathered a few thoughts:

1. i had no idea how much weight i put into my job. and by that, i mean, i put two-hundred percent into what i did. i threw myself behind any and every project thrown my way because i was excited about our organization and the work it produced.

2. i also didn’t realize how much my identity is wrapped into work. i don’t mean just my work, but work in general. as i’ve contemplated this next season of unknowns, i am starting to struggle with my new identity. i’m unemployed and i’m fearful people will peg me as a stay-at-home-housewife, despite the fact that i’m far from that. regardless, my job has been my life for the last two years and i loved it. but somewhere along the way, i lost myself. i couldn’t figure out what i wanted to do with my life and where i wanted to go. i know bits and pieces, but what about the big picture? where do i want to attend grad school and what do i desire to study? these are all questions that are spinning through my mind, but have been clouded by work deadlines.

3. sometimes, i expect myself to be a world-changer. i want to go out and become the first female president or the CEO of a large company. but as i age (okay, i’m only twenty-five), i’ve realized that i need to be more realistic. my personality would make me a terrible president or CEO. so no, maybe i won’t be the world-changer who has an eloquent autobiography that girls and boys will read in grade school in one-hundred years, but i can still make a difference.

4. i also struggle with being a liberal arts major. yep, i admitted it. people like my fiancee who are practically guaranteed jobs upon graduation because of their degrees often make me feel inadequate and worthless. i get frustrated when i can’t even make a wage to support myself. i am constantly confused about what my next move should be and how i can make myself more marketable and it makes me sad that i cannot pursue what my heart desires because it boils down to money.

so this is where i’m at right now. i’m unemployed and quite happy to spend a season self-exploring.

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